Continues from part 1: what is nonviolent communication?
Last time we went through how to use nonviolent communication.
Today, three ways to use it in ordinary life.
1. Negotiating with nonviolent communication
Nonviolent communication makes a negotiation easier.
The first step in a negotiation is empathy. It’s a good way to understand the other side’s position and bring their hostility down. Empathy is simple. You show them that you understood their position.
Unsplash, Erika Fletcher
The observation, feeling and need frame from nonviolent communication makes that easy.
Say concretely what the other person wants, and what they’re feeling right now and why.
Example) Is the schedule too tight and worrying you, so you’d like to push it back?
Empathy like that lets you lead the negotiation.
Also, the other side says “no” a lot in a negotiation, right? Nonviolent communication has an answer for that too. It reads a “no” as a sign the other person has a need they haven’t said. Find the hidden need that keeps them from saying “yes” and the problem can be solved.
Example) (when they refuse to move the schedule) What worries you most about adjusting the schedule?
Treat their refusal as a hint, keep asking and empathizing, and you can get to a yes.
2. Say thank you and mean it
Nonviolent communication also has a clear way to express sincere thanks.
Getting gratitude across takes three things.
(1) which action of theirs
(2) met which need of mine, and
(3) what good feeling that gave me.
Say all three and the other person can feel which of their actions made a positive change for you.
Example) Thank you for meeting the schedule when things were so rushed on our end. Because of you we can hit our own delivery date, and that’s a real relief. Thank you.
Empathy like that lets you lead the negotiation.
3. Get happier with the work you’re already doing
You have work you don’t want to do, right? The usual complaint is “I don’t want to, but I have to do X.” Even though you didn’t want it and chose to do it anyway. Change the approach here and work you didn’t want turns into work that means something.
Change the viewpoint alone and a glass with ‘only half left’ becomes a glass that’s ‘half full’.
When you don’t want to do it, swap the thought “I have to ~~” for “I chose to ~~ because of ~~~”, and you find the real reason you’re doing this. That’s called the underlying motive.
Example) I don’t want to go to the gym but I have to => I want to live healthy, so today I chose to work out again. I don’t want to do this job but I have to => this isn’t the work I want, and hard as it is, I should change jobs.
Find the underlying motive and you can (1) take the work on gladly, or (2) if it really is pointless, choose not to do it. You get happier without changing anything outside you.
Try nonviolent communication just once
That’s how nonviolent communication applies to real life. My favorite part is the “I chose to ~~” way of thinking. Live on your own terms and the same hard day seems to come out more meaningful and happier.
Try it yourself, and tell me how it went!
Waiting to hear what you think!
References:
- Book: Nonviolent Communication
P.S. The Nonviolent Communication book has exercises. Oddly, the answer keys never say ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. They say ‘our views agree’ or ‘our views don’t agree’ instead. It surprised me that nothing was called right or wrong. Real communication seems to start from the humility of ‘I might be wrong’.