As I said last time, the point of communication is change.
But how does it usually go? Plenty of conversations run like parallel lines, both people saying their piece and nothing meeting.
Some go past not listening and end up hurting someone.
Nonviolent communication, today’s subject, is a way of talking that keeps both people respected.
If talking to people is hard for you, or a relationship keeps leaving you hurt, give nonviolent communication a try.
You can meet nonviolent communication in a book.
What is nonviolent communication?
Nonviolent communication is a way of talking that helps when you have a conflict to resolve.
Conflict starts from a gap between positions. So resolving one means understanding each other’s position first.
Nonviolent communication says a position is built from the four parts below.
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Observation: when I saw ~~,
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Feeling: I felt ~~~.
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Need: ~~~ matters to me,
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Request: would you be willing to ~~~?
One at a time.
The observation and the feeling have to be said exactly as you saw and felt them.
Good example: (observation) when I saw you arrive late, (feeling) I felt like I wasn’t being respected.
Judgment and imagination, on the other hand, don’t state your position clearly.
Bad example: (judgment) you’re lazy, so (imagination) I felt like you were ignoring me.
A need is the cause of the feeling. Another person’s behavior isn’t a need. The need is the reason you want that behavior.
Bad example: (other person) I want you not to be late,
Good example: (need) keeping to my own schedule matters to me,
Last, a request has to be concrete, and it has to be a question.
Good example: (request) would you be willing to be on time?
Otherwise it becomes something the other person can’t act on, or it becomes a demand.
Bad example: (vague) could you be more diligent? (demand) don’t be late again.
That’s how nonviolent communication gives you a reason to look at your own mind.
Use this structure and empathizing with the other person’s position gets easy.
Clear the judgment and imagination out of what they said, then find the observation, feeling, need and request underneath.
What’s good about nonviolent communication?
First, nonviolent communication is practical. You share the cause of the conflict and settle it with a concrete request. It burns less emotion and leaves you understanding each other.
Second, it’s simple and concrete. You repeat four things, observation, feeling, need and request. And you keep out imagination, judgment, behavior and demands.
Applying it made me look back at my own feelings.
Once the feelings settled down, resolving the conflict got easier.
Next time you have a conflict to settle, why not try nonviolent communication once?
Nonviolent communication works in plenty of places besides conflict.
Next time I’ll look at how to apply it to negotiating, to saying thank you, and to being happier
References
- Book: “Nonviolent Communication”